


How Barry met Lisa (and they became the best of friends)

by Bablefisk



Category: The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Barry has an eating disorder, Eating Disorders, F/M, Lisa has an eating disorder, M/M, Pre-lightning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-29 10:23:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6371101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bablefisk/pseuds/Bablefisk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“An eating disorder? Really?” The surprise was clear in Barry's voice, but even as he said it, he felt something click into place in his head. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Barry is away at college and finally gets some help dealing with his issues. He is in group therapy when he meets Lisa. </p><p>(and then later he meets her brother)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Barry

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Eating disorders, therapy  
> Beta: Thanks heaps to chocoholicannanymous  
> AU: This has a bit of a darker note than the show. A bit anti!Iris and anti!Joe, but shouldn’t be particularly OOC . Also, I am not a qualified therapist, I only use whatever experience I have from my own therapy sessions and struggles I've had.

Barry Allen suffered from an eating disorder. This shouldn't really surprise him. He hadn't always been as skinny as he was, but in his early teens he grew like a weed, and his body stretched out. As a teenager he tried to gain muscle mass, eating as much as he could and lifting weights. It never seemed to make any difference. It frustrated him so much that just looking at food made him feel sick to the stomach, and he would stop eating almost all together, and stop working out. He would slowly start to eat normally again, but then someone would say something or something would happen, and the cycle would start all over again.

Barry was in college now, and when his roommate had realized what was going on, he had gone ballistic and convinced him to see one of the therapists on campus. It was during his third appointment with Dr. Levi that she told him.

 

“An eating disorder? Really?” The surprise was clear in Barry's voice, but even as he said it, he felt something cick into place in his head.

 

“Yes. Eating disorders are about control. It's about people wanting to control one thing in their life, or people losing control over that one thing. Your cycle is not very surprising. Your body image is low, and when something happens to set you off, you try to 'fix' the thing you don't like by an excessive amount of exercise and eating anything that will help you gain muscle. When you don't gain the muscle as fast as you wish, you stop eating. I think you do this because you feel like if you don't eat, at least there will be a reason why you are skinny.”

 

Barry felt like his mind had just been opened. He had never thought of it like that, he had just thought it was a weird thing.

 

“What... Is there a way to get better?”

 

“Yes, in certain ways.” said Dr. Levi “You will always carry this around with you, but there are ways to keep it in check. You need to figure out things in your life that you feel you don't have control over.

“I would suggest you start with your body issues. I will work with you here so one day you will be able to let that go. However, I would suggest that you hire a personal trainer and learn how to work out properly to gain some muscle and how to do it healthy. That will give you more control.

“I also want you to start with a group for people with eating disorders. It can help a lot to listen to other people tell their story, and it can help to tell your own.”

 

She gave him a flier that he put in his bag without looking at.

 

“Lastly, I want you to think over things in your life that makes you feel like you lose control. For example, I know you are often late for things. Try to think about that. How does it feel when you're late? How do you feel when you're not late? Maybe it is worth getting up those fifteen minutes earlier to avoid that feeling of losing control. Think through your everyday life, things like that, and figure out what you can take control over.”

 

Barry walked out of the therapist’s office in a bit of a daze. Suddenly understanding, just because someone else said it, and realizing he could actually do something about this was mind blowing. He wanted to do everything right this minute, but Dr. Levi had cautioned him to take it one step at the time, not overdo it. So he started simple. He couldn't afford a real personal trainer, being here on a scholarship as he was, but a friend of his worked as a PT next to his studies, and he decided to have a talk with him, see if they could make a deal of some kind.

 

In the end, Barry told Danny why he needed help, and the other boy looked at him with sympathy.

 

“Man, of course I'll help you out. I wouldn't need something in return either, but I happen to struggle a little with my math requirements, so how about you tutor me in math and I train with you?”

 

Barry nodded, glad he could do something in return. They started up that same week, and Danny didn't just teach him how to exercise and build muscles in the best way, but he also taught Barry how to eat healthier.

 

“The simple fact of the matter is that your body will feel better when you are healthier. You will have more energy and stamina, and you will get better results from your training.”

 

So every week Danny taught him a little more about nutrition. Barry slowly but surely stopped eating take out and started making his own meals instead. Daniel forced him to try a health shake, and it tasted disgusting but did make him feel a whole lot better.

 

After two weeks, he took the next step; trying to stop being late for everything. It was not fun, but he forced himself to get up earlier. He even had an alarm on for when he had to leave his room, so that he wouldn't forget the time. He was still plenty late, but less and less so, and he was feeling better and better each time.

 

After another two weeks, he had his next therapy session.

 

“Today I want to talk about something that might be a little hard, your adoptive family back home. I want you to think a little, how did you feel leaving home to go to school?”

 

Barry opened his mouth without thinking twice. He was about to say it was hard, he missed them, when his therapist held up her hand.

 

“No. **Think**. Take your time. Think through the whole process, from applying to school and to getting here.”

 

So he took a couple of minutes before he opened his mouth again. “I was very excited when I applied, looking forward to study what I like, with people that like the same things. It was a little harder leaving, but it wasn't as hard as I thought, I guess I was too excited to get here. Now, I miss them.”

 

His therapists nodded. “Okay, now I want you to think about how it feels being here. Just whatever pops into your head.”

 

“Well, I love it, I get to learn so much about the things I love to do. It's exciting. A little scary. Freeing, in a way.” He looked down as he answered, to where his hands, as always when he was here, were fidgeting.

 

“Freeing? From what?”

 

He stopped short at her words, not really having thought about what he said.

 

“I guess from being the kid that everyone knows, the kid whose dad everyone thinks killed his mom.”

 

“In any other way?”

 

He hesitated a little, unsure if she was aiming for what he thought she was.

 

“I'm not... I'm not sure I know what you mean?”  He looked up at her again, before letting his gaze flicker around the room.

 

“Well, saying you feel free here suggests that you felt trapped or restricted there, and not just in social situations, but also in your home.”

 

His eyes went down to his hands again and he sighed. “I guess I always kind of felt... I mean, I love Joe and Iris, but it's never _home_. I've always been a weird kid, and I have that from my parents, something Joe didn't really know how to deal with. He tried to teach me to fight, but he wasn't used to an ungainly and skinny kid, so he didn't really manage right, and that just made me feel worse about the whole thing.”

 

“What does feel like home? Close your eyes and find that feeling that for you is home, and tell me where that is.”

 

His lips went up into half a smile and he looked up at her again.

 

“I don't need to think, I know where it is. A few years after they sent my dad to prison, they loosened up things a lot for him there. He always behaved like he was innocent, not joining any of the gangs inside and in general being docile and helping out when he could, particularly with injured inmates, as he's a doctor.” Barry’s smiled a little wider. He remember clearly how well respected and liked his dad, and his mom for that matter, were before what happened. Seeing how his dad managed to keep his nature and help other people out, even in the situation he was in, made him incredibly proud to be his son.

 

“So a few years after he had been locked up, I had a pretty crappy year, and it was my dad's birthday and I begged the guards to let us have a room so I could hug him and see him properly, because I wanted to tell him about things that went wrong. And they let me, and I got to spend most of the day with my dad in there. At one point I think they actually came to get us and send him back to his cell, but I was crying, and he was hugging me, and I guess they just felt really bad about it.

“So we got food in there, and stayed there until lights out. Joe was furious, didn't know where I had been all day, and he never found out, nor does he or Iris know that I now every year get to spend my dad's birthday with him. They even let me bring food and cake and that day inside those four walls feels more like home to me than anything else.”

 

He had let his gaze flicker again as he talked, and when he looked at his therapist again there was a sheen of tears over her eyes, and he stopped, surprised.

 

She started blinking away the tears as she realized he was looking at her. “Sorry. Just, feeling a bit sorry for you, kid.”

 

He clenched his teeth together, and could feel the annoyance rise inside him. “I know you don't believe me, but my dad is innocent...”

 

“Oh, no no!” She cut him off before he could continue. “I didn't mean it like that, I believe you, I just hate that you only get to feel at home once a year.”

 

He looked at her, shocked eyes wide. She believed him? No one ever believed him. “You... you believe me?”

 

She smiled, still looking at him with sympathy.

“Yes. I'm not a child psychologist, but for you to be so sure of it even now, when you're almost an adult... well, I felt like I needed to check things out a little. So I managed to get my hands on the file about the case, and I called Iron Heights, talked to the guards. A few of them has actually started to believe your story, you know, because, and I quote, _‘don't quite believe Dr. Allen could kill anyone, let alone his own wife_ ’. So yes, I believe you.”  
  


Barry pressed his lips together, feeling the tears threatening to spill. To have someone listen to him long enough to actually believe him... It was an amazing and overwhelming feeling. It probably didn't help his dad's situation at all, but just knowing there were other people out there that knew, the same way he knew, was fantastic.

Dr. Levi let him have the time he needed, just handing him a box of tissues. After a while, she spoke again.

 

“When is your dad's birthday? Are you planning on going home for it?”

 

He cleared his voice, shaking his head as he answered. “In a couple of months, and no, it's in the middle of the week and I doubt they will give me time off.”

 

She pulled out a pad of some sort, and started writing. When she was done, she handed it to him.

 

“Here, this is a note from me, as your doctor, to get three days off to go see him. Just fill in the dates, in front of me now.”

 

She handed him a pen, and he filled out the note in a daze.

 

“Good. Now, I want to suggest something. When you go, I don't want you to stay with the Wests. I think this day is something that you need to take for yourself and your dad, and I don't want you to mix in the ambiguous feelings you get from them into it. We'll have to talk a bit more about this the next time I see you, and I would actually like to schedule you in for next week if that's okay? And remember to sign up for the group therapy, which starts in a couple of weeks.”

 

Barry left the office feeling both wrung out and light, like he had let something go that he hadn't realized he was carrying around. This made him feel both nervous and excited for the next appointment.

 

When it came, he sat in the same chair fidgeting with his hands again.

 

“Today might even get a little harder than last time. I want to talk to you about your feelings surrounding the Wests. We talked about Joe a little last time, but this hour I want to focus on him and his daughter. How do you feel about them?”

 

“Uhm, well, Joe is like a father to me, he has done a lot for me and I love him. Iris is... you know I have a crush on her, I mentioned that, and I love her too.”

 

“Do they believe you about your dad?”

 

Barry just shook his head.

 

“How do you think they would react if you went home and told them about this? About coming to see me, about your eating disorder?”

 

He thought about it for a while. “Joe would probably be concerned, and upset that he hadn't noticed, or if he has noticed and just not known what to do, relieved that I'm getting better. Iris would... I doubt she would actually really take it in. She would probably say something like 'but you're great the way you are, skinny beanpole and all'.”

 

“So she would unintentionally hurt you?”

 

He bit his lip and shrugged. “Maybe.”

 

The session took a bit of a turn with the next question.

 

“How does it feel, having a crush on your adopted sister?”

 

Barry scrunched up his face a little. “It sounds weird when you say it like that, but even though I think of Joe as a second dad, I never really thought of Iris as my sister, so it isn't weird even though it sounds like it.” He got a little defensive, knowing it might seem strange to anyone else.

 

“Oh, I agree. You were old enough when you joined their family that it isn’t strange that you developed romantic feelings for her.  No, what I want to know is how does it feel like having a crush on someone you lived with? Someone who probably knows almost as much about you as you do?”

 

He frowned a little in thought. “It was hard whenever she dated anyone, and not being able to hide when I was embarrassed just made things worse. I was terrified she knew for a long time, because Joe had obviously noticed, but as far as I'm aware, she doesn't know.”

 

“Why are you so afraid that she will find out?”

 

“Well, if she doesn't return my feelings, it's going to be awkward.”

 

“Yes, but wouldn't it be worth it if she returned your feelings? There is always a gamble, but I know you have been dating other people, so you have obviously dared to take that gamble before. What's stopping you with her? What are you waiting for?”

 

“I... I don't know, it's just that we lived together and that would make it all so much more uncomfortable and I... I know I'm not her type I guess; her boyfriends have always been broad-shouldered and stuff.”

 

“So you're waiting until...”  
  


Barry ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Until I'm more the type she likes, until she's less likely to turn me down.”

 

“Until you've changed enough?” The doctor’s voice had grown more and more kind, but somehow, it just made Barry more frantic.

 

“Yes. No. I don't know.”

 

“Barry. Look at me.” He looked up, his eyes in turmoil. “If you want to change, go for it. But don't change for someone else. It will never be worth it. If she doesn't want to date you like you are, then she isn't worth it.”

 

“But she is, though.”

 

“No. No one who needs you to change for them is.”

 

Barry was breathing heavily, and they sat in silence, looking at each other. Dr. Levi's soft voice broke the silence again.

 

“Do you remember last session, when you said it felt freeing, being here? I suspect that is also in relation to your feelings for Iris. Being away from a crush that has in so many ways defined you, but that you now have at a more healthy distance to and can process properly.”

 

Barry wanted to protest, he loved being with his family. But something held him back and he pressed his lips together as Dr. Levi continued.

 

“I want you to work on this. Work on letting go of her. I know it will sound like a cliché, but you need to get to a place where you like yourself the way you are before you can think about being with someone at all, especially someone you think you have to change for.”

 

He opened his mouth, unsure of what he was actually planning to say, but she held up a hand before he could say anything.

 

“Maybe down the line, in five, ten, fifteen years, when you are in a good place, the two of you will get together, but if you were to start dating her now, with the struggles you have, which are connected in so many ways to your childhood and her, I am afraid it would only hurt you in the end.”  
  


**

The week following had been tough, Barry trying to take in what Dr. Levi had said but also having a reflex to defend Iris. By the time the first group session came about, he was mentally exhausted, but he forced himself to go.

 

The group consisted of about fifteen people, all around his own age. Some were extremely skinny, quite clearly there because of anorexia, whilst others were very large, there because of overeating.  Most of them were somewhere in between.

 

The councilor that was there got them started on a round where they said their name if they wanted and why they were there. Barry had been one of the first to present himself, nervous, but getting out his introduction without a stammer, and they were about halfway round the circle, when a brunette girl introduced herself.

 

“Hi, I'm Lisa.” She was short in her words, and looked right in front of her with hard eyes. When it was obvious she wouldn't say anything more, the girl next to her spoke up.

 

And that is how Barry met Lisa.


	2. Lisa

Lisa knew she had an eating disorder. She had grown up around other girls who wanted, no, _needed_ to be skinny, and knew the signs well enough to spot them in herself. Still, Carrie’s words surprised her, because she thought she had it under control. 

 

 

“Lisa, honey. I know you don't want to listen to it, but you need to. I have been exactly where you are, and I know just how you feel.”

Carrie looked at her in concern, drawing her hand through her hair.

 

“But please, you will kill yourself if you keep this up. I know you don't want to go to therapy, but it’s not the only option. You can talk to _me_. And if you don’t want to do that, I know the university has a group you could go to. You won’t even have to talk if you don’t want to, just listen to other people’s stories”

 

 

Lisa looked down at the paper her colleague at the bar and friend, Carrie, pushed towards her. It was a flier about a group for people with eating disorders. Usually, she would have just pushed it away, but Carrie was one of the few people in this world Lisa would listen to, next to Lenny.

 

Carrie was her oldest friend, and the closest Lisa came to a best friend. They had been in figure skating together since they were twelve, and Carrie’s parents had often had Lisa over when Lenny had been in juvie. The other girl had had some bad luck, and her father had fallen ill just when she could have launched a proper career in skating. She had dropped out to take care of him, but Lisa and her had kept in contact through it all.

 

Lisa picked up the flyer and looked at it with a sigh.

 

Lisa's life had not been easy, and no one should begrudge her if she carried some issues with her from that. Memories of her father were harsh but thankfully fewer as she grew older and Len had managed to somehow get full custody of her.

 

Her bad eating habits didn't come from that, however.

 

Lisa had been a figure skater as a young girl, and her dream had long been to escape her father by working professionally in a show. For a while she had even succeeded, traveling around the country with their show. Then she had had a bad fall and hurt her ankle. She had some rehab, but it had taken time, and in the end the doctors had told her her skating days were done, her ankle too weak.

 

Her problems with food had started in her teenage years. She had had just the right body for figure skating, slim and not too tall. When she turned 16, however, she had suddenly seemed to develop overnight, and grew a few extra inches in height. Her former flat chest and narrow hips seemed to have doubled in size, which started giving her problems. She was well trained and knew her body, but the change made her feel clumsy and off-balance. Her coach started calling her fat, and told her that unless she lost some weight her partner couldn't carry her anymore without risk of injuring them both. The other girls she trained with started teasing her and Lisa had felt the dread build up in her stomach. This was her dream, her ticket out, she _needed_ this.

 

Having grown up as a dancer and an athlete, she had been used to keeping a healthy diet. However, she had known that wouldn’t cut it and that if she couldn't lose the weight, she wouldn't get to go to the championship. So she had stopped eating. Lisa had filled up on water and had eaten just enough to get by every day. The weight had seemed to melt off, and she remembered feeling proud when her coach had smiled at her and told her 'good job'.

 

That had been during Lenny's third and last stay in prison, so she hadn’t really seen him much. She visited him a few times, and he always looked at her with concern, and asked if she was okay. She always answered yes. When he got out and she started living with him she managed to hide it, somehow. A lot of the time, she was on the road with the show, even before she was finished with high school. Besides, Len hadn't really seen her fully developed, so he didn't recognize the difference.

 

 

After the injury, things had become a little harder. The freedom of being able to eat whatever she wanted had felt strange. The first night, she had been laying with her ankle in a cast, alone in their apartment, and eaten everything she had wanted to eat the last few years. A few hours later, she had been leaning over the toilet seat, fingers down her throat, forcing the food up again.

 

 

As she had been traveling constantly, she hadn’t had an apartment, and moved in with Lenny when she started rehab.  This also meant she had needed to find new ways to hide it. So she had made it into a game. It had invisible points, depending on how little she had managed to eat in a day. The days she ate nothing, she had went to bed with a stomach growling for food, but a smile on her lips. The days Lenny made them dinner, and she hadn’t been able to get away to throw up, she had went to bed nauseous and feeling disgusted with herself. There were some binge nights, but she always threw up again, and she hated doing that, so she kept those to a minimum.

 

 

After a year or so living with Lenny and not doing much of anything, she had decided she wanted to take some college classes. They couldn't afford a full degree and she wouldn't get a scholarship, but she could work and take a couple of classes. Carrie happened to live in a university town, so Lisa had moved to live with her. The other girl had helped her get a job, and Lisa took classes in between. It had been going great; Lisa had even thought she’d managed to hide her eating habits. Apparently that wasn’t the case.

 

 

She took in her friend’s concerned look and looked down at the flyer again. She didn't want to talk about anything, she felt fine. Except... If she was being honest with herself, she _had_ started looking at herself in the mirror lately, wondering where _she_ was. Looking at the sunken-in cheeks, the flaxen hair, she felt empty and tired, didn't recognize herself.

 

 

With another look at the paper, she asked the question that was at the forefront of her mind.

 

“How did you get better?”

 

 

“With a lot of help from my family and friends. I went to therapy and group sessions and nutrition classes. I learned how to live healthy and I really committed to it.”

 

Carrie gave her a sad smile.

 

“You never really get rid of it. You will always be aware of the food around you, and there will be days where you feel like you will throw up if you eat anything more.”

 

Lisa felt dread pool in her stomach, but her friend continued.

 

“But it will get easier. In time, you will forget how many calories everything has. You will be able to go days without thinking about the food you eat. You will be able to go out with friends and not instantly think about how much exercise you will have to do to burn that food off. It will be slow. But you will get there. ”

 

 

Lisa thought about the look Lenny had given her the last time he saw her, the concern shining from his eyes. She thought about the vibrant girl she had been when she was younger, about her glowing skin and bouncy hair, and she looked at Carrie with desperation.

 

“Help me.”

 

 

**

During the weeks before the group therapy started, Lisa talked to Carrie a lot. She started researching nutrition.  She started working out again, something she had stopped doing when she stopped skating. Carrie was a good cook, and taught her some great, healthy meals, and slowly eased her into eating more every day. It wasn't easy, and Lisa still had more bad days than good, but just knowing she wanted to get better helped.

 

 

The day of the group therapy had come, and Lisa did not want to go. She hated talking about herself to other people; she barely managed to talk to Carrie, who she had known since she was twelve years old. Talking to a group of strangers was so far outside her comfort zone. But she had promised Carrie, and the other girl had sworn even just listening to the others would help, so she went.

 

 

The therapist told them to introduce themselves, and Lisa snorted under her breath. No way was she going tell these people why she was here the first time. No way.

 

 

One of the first people to introduce himself, skinny and obviously nervous, caught her attention.

 

“Hi, I'm Barry. I'm here because my therapist told me I should go. I have an eating disorder.” He blushed a little as he finished.

 

 

And that is how Lisa met Barry.


	3. Relationships are based on secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I wanted to say thanks to everyone that read and commented the last chapter. I am so glad I managed to portay that in a good way, and that you liked it.  
> Thanks to chocoholicannanymous for betaing:)

Barry would think back and wonder exactly how Lisa and him became friends, seeing as they actually had very little in common.

 

He knew it was at the second group meeting. He had wondered how they would solve the food issue, when everything could be a trigger or a problem for someone in the group. He had been serving himself coffee when a girl had said something sarcastic next to him, though he couldn't for the life of him remember what it was. He had looked over and realized there actually wasn't any food, and had said something back that had made her laugh. They had started hanging out in the group session, and it had slowly started spreading to real life as well, and suddenly Barry was calling Lisa a friend.

 

He couldn't quite remember how they became friends, but he did remember how they became best friends. They had been watching a movie in Barry's room, his roommate out with his girlfriend. Both of them had had a few beers,  but neither of them had been particularly drunk, just in a mellow mood.

 

Barry had lost the plot of the movie when Lisa suddenly looked over at him.

 

“I have anorexia.”

 

Her voice had been serious and he had turned towards her, ignoring the buzz of the movie in the background. She had been breathing heavily, and for the first time he had known her, she looked scared.

 

“I have anorexia.” She repeated, almost like she was saying it to herself. 

 

He had nodded, looked at her with serious eyes, and she'd sat forward on the bed, hiding her face in her hands. He'd laid his hand on her back and stroked it, wanting to give comfort, but not quite knowing how.

 

A minute or so had gone by before her breathing calmed down a little, and she leaned back towards the headboard. Barry had leaned back with her, and she'd laid her head on his shoulder. He had stroked her hair as she slowly started talking.  

 

“When I was a kid, I used to do figure skating. I loved doing it, loved showing off on the ice. I always dreamed of performing professionally.” Her smile had been wistful as she talked about it.

 

“My dad, he used to beat my older brother, Lenny. I always tried to help him, but he refused, only wanted to protect me. Then Len was sent to prison, and my dad started beating me too. After that, skating became a way to get away from the house, and later from him altogether. I did everything I could to be the best, and when I... developed, as a teenager, I was suddenly too big. I was told I couldn't skate with all that weight, so I stopped eating.”

 

Barry had listened as she told her story. About the starving, and then the broken ankle. The binge eating, the throwing up, everything he was so familiar with himself.

 

When she had finished her story, he'd kept stroking her hair and after a few minutes he had started talking. He'd told her his own story. About his mother and father, about what happened that night. About his body-image issues and his bad cycle. She hadn't said anything until the end.

 

“We'll help each other, yeah?” She had looked up at him and he had nodded, hugging her close.

 

**

 

Almost three months had passed since Barry started going to therapy and his life started changing. He was slowly getting into a new rhythm of living, and with the help of the people around him it was going better every day. Danny with his nutrition and exercise had been a surprisingly important part of it.  Dr. Levi had helped him a lot, and he had tried very hard to talk Lisa into seeing her. He had almost managed to convince her.  

 

Lisa herself helped him, as he knew he helped her. They tried pulling each other through on the bad days, and the days that just didn't work, they dragged each other up from the dark hole.

 

And now he was on his way to visit his dad. He had missed him a lot, and there were days he had wished he could do as he had before and just drop in when he needed a little time with him.

 

As a kid, he had brought many failed cakes to his dad, not wanting Iris or Joe to know where he was. He had gotten a little better at baking over the years, and had been a little upset when he wouldn't be able to make it this year; his dorm kitchen was not suited for baking. When he had mentioned it to Lisa, however, he was invited to the apartment she lived in, and together they had made a rather spectacular cake. It was the woman she lived with, Clara, who gave them the recipe, and it might just have been the best carrot-cake Barry had ever tasted.

 

“Barry! Long time no see, kid.”

 

He smiled at Georgie, one of the few female guards at Iron heights. She had been there five years by now, and as most of the guards, liked both Henry and Barry.

 

“Yeah, I'm off to university, it's a bit far to travel to visit, but I got the day off to come today. Is the room ready?”

 

“Yup, I'm just gonna send someone to get your dad, and you're all set.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

She led him into the very familiar room, and he smiled when he saw one of the guards had left them some plates and glasses, as well as some soda. Seemed Michael was on duty today; he was a grandfather and always thought about things like that.

 

A few minutes later, the door opened again, and Barry lit up like a sun. He barely caught his dad's wide smile before he was pulled into a crushing hug.

 

“Hey, slugger.”

 

“Hey, dad. Happy birthday. ”

 

Barry buried his face in his dad's shoulder, taking in the smells that he had started associating with this man long ago. The feeling of home sank into him again, and he smiled wider, reminding himself to mention it to Dr. Levi.

 

When they pulled out of the hug, Henry looked over his son.

 

“I wasn't sure you would make it, with school and everything.”

 

“I actually got the day off, but I'll tell you about that later. I might have skipped anyways, I don't know if I could actually go another year without hugging you.”

 

Henry didn't reprimand him on it, but Barry could see he wanted to.

 

“Come on, let's sit down and have some cake.”

 

They both sat down, and Barry cut the cake as he started talking about school, friends and how it was living away from home. When they finished eating, and after Henry had complimented the cake several times, Barry steeled himself and shifted over the what he had dreading having to tell.

 

“I... there is actually something I need to tell you about.”

 

His dad looked at him with a worried frown. “What is it?”

 

“This is something I have been struggling with for a long time, but I could never really set words to it. I hadn't even thought it was a real problem before my roommate commented on it. He did notice, thankfully, and I started seeing a therapist. She helped me figure out what the problem was after a few sessions.”

 

Barry looked down and noticed his hands were fidgeting like they were in his sessions. With a breath, he forced himself to relax and rested them on the table.

 

“I suffer from an eating disorder.”

 

Henry's eyes widened in recognition and shock, but he kept quiet, waiting for Barry to finish.

 

“It's... I have always felt like I was scrawny and weak, I guess. Whenever something happened to make that worse than usual, I would start weight lifting and eating a lot of food to try and gain some muscle and weight. Then, when it would eventually fail, I would stop eating altogether, in some kind of quiet protest. As my therapist said, 'at least then there would be a reason why I was scrawny'.

There are lots more, but that's the underlying thing at least.”

 

“So you're getting help now?” The worry in Henry's voice was clear.

 

“Yes, Dr. Levi - she's very good. I get it free through school. And I joined a group, so that helps. And there are some people around me that help.”

 

“Joe and Iris?” Henry prompted.

 

“No, they don't know, and I don't know when I'll tell them. I'll have to tell them, because I'm learning that I have certain triggers that they need to know about. Outside my therapist and my group, only my roommate and Danny, who's helping me with exercise, knows.”

 

Barry hesitated for a few seconds.

 

“I guess I'm also... I'm trying to get over Iris. There are too many things connected with her that also connects to my issues, that I need to get myself to a better place first. My therapist thinks that if I can let go of her, I might also let go of a few issues.”

 

For the next hours Barry talked about the last few months, while Henry listened attentively. Barry talked about therapy, meeting Lisa, trying to find more balance in his life, everything. When Barry had to leave to catch the night-bus back, Henry pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.

 

“I love you, Barry. No matter what happens, no matter what you go through, know that I love you. I hate that you have to struggle with this, but you seem to have found people you can lean on that will help you. You know I will do whatever I can, though it probably isn't much. I am so proud of you.”

  
  
  



	4. Leonard

Lisa was nervous. This was not a new feeling for her - though she was really good at hiding it - but she hadn't been nervous because of Lenny in years.

 

She was sitting on the couch in her brother's apartment, restless hands tapping nervously on her thigh as her eyes avoided his. Lenny was sitting next to her, half a cushion between them.

It was Friday afternoon, and she had come home for the weekend. In general, she didn't visit Lenny much, mostly because the bus cost money she would rather save. She made it home for the holidays anyways. However, she and Barry had made a deal. When he had told his dad about his problems, she had to tell Lenny. Barry had been at Iron Heights this week, and came back smiling, so now she had to hold up her end.

 

It wasn't that she thought Lenny would react badly, really. It was more that they didn't really talk about things like this. Lisa knew he loved her and he knew she loved him, but they usually avoided any kind of emotional talks. Which mean this would probably be uncomfortable, stumbling and all in all not something she wanted to do. Yet Lisa wanted him to know.

 

“Lis? What's wrong?” Len looked worried, and Lisa took a deep breath.

 

“Do you... you remember the years I was skating...”

 

Lenny raised his eyebrows at her.

 

“Yes...” he dragged it out.

 

“And... well, this happened while you were in prison the last time, I was 16. I suddenly started developing quickly, and my coach told me to lose weight. But it didn't really work, so I started eating less and less, until I almost stopped eating all together. I got anorexia. And I still kind of struggle with it today.”

Lisa was looking anywhere but at Lenny. She was usually good at talking, but she felt like she had just given him a mess of words and hoped he understood them.

 

A familiar hand touched her jaw, and she looked up, meeting the clearly upset eyes of her brother.

 

“Are you... what do you...I...” Len had clearly just as little idea of what to say as her, which calmed her a little.

 

She grabbed his hand, and held it between her own two.

 

“I'm getting help. When I moved in with her, Carrie recognized the symptoms and she helped me out.”

 

She took a deep breath before continuing, almost to herself.

“I didn't really think it was a problem, it just was a thing. You know, watching what I ate, maybe being a little more strict than people around me, but I didn’t really connect it to being a problem. ”

 

She looked down at their hands, fiddling a little.

 

“Carrie found a group at the university I can attend, which I started doing. I met someone there, Barry, and we became friends. We've been helping each other out. He goes to therapy and has tried to convince me to do the same.”

 

 

“Is there anything I can do?” Lenny's calm voice broke through the silence that followed. Even in the calm, she could hear an uncertain undertone.

 

Lisa knew that her brother liked to have something physical to fight against when something was wrong, but he had always been good at calming down her nightmares when she was a kid, and she knew he would do what he could.

 

“I'm still trying to figure out what my triggers are, but when I'm home, it helps to eat regular meals. Also healthy meals. No jokes about my body, ever. Other than that, just being there when I have a bad day, I guess.”

 

“I can do that. Just let me know if you need anything, okay.”

 

She nodded, and he pulled her into a hug.

 

 

A little later, when Lisa made her way into the kitchen to help out with dinner, she found Lenny at the table. His head was in his hands, his jaw clenched.

 

She laid a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at her, eyes clouded.

 

“It's my fault.”

 

Lisa froze and looked at him in confusion.

 

“What? What's your fault?”

 

He shook his head and looked away.

 

“Your problems. If I hadn't been booked, you would have stayed with me, I would have noticed.”

 

“No. This is not your fault. And don't even talk about that not happening, that stay was the best thing to happen to you in years. I don't even want to think about what our lives would be now if that hadn't happened.”

 

“But...”

 

“No. This is no one's fault. It's just a something that happened, and laying blame isn't going to help anyone, least of all me.”

 

Lenny turned around in his chair and stood up, pulling her into another hug, and Lisa leaned into him. Growing up as they had, touch in general had rarely been positive. Len had early on gotten in the habit of hugging Lisa when she was scared, however, his heartbeat calming her down. It was one of the few positive things they had held on to from their childhood, and the hugs were often and sometimes random.

 

 

“So, you met someone, huh?” Lenny waggled his eyebrows at her over dinner.

 

She shoved him a little, frowning.

 

“No, it's not like that. He's my friend, my best friend really. As I said, we met during the group and got talking. He helps.”

 

She smiled a little as she thought about Barry.

 

“He's seriously smart, he's doing a major in organic chemistry and a minor in criminology. He's from Central City, actually, and I was kind of wondering if you would want to meet him over the Christmas break?”

 

 

**

 

Barry was nervous. For the last week or so, Barry had  been a ball of jitters and nerves. He and Lisa had been booking their bus tickets to Central, planning on traveling together, when he had realized he was _going home._ Going home to Iris and Joe, who he had talked to often the last semester, but not seen since the summer. He had decided to stay at school for thanksgiving, wanting to avoid the issue of food, and Lisa and her brother didn't celebrate it, meaning Lisa stayed as well. The two of them had made a nicer dinner with Carrie and watched a movie, spending the long weekend catching up on any school work.

 

But Barry was going home now, and it terrified him a little. He still didn't know if he was going to tell them anything. Maybe he would tell Joe and not Iris. Maybe both.

 

That wasn't the only thing that had him nervous, though. Barry had changed during the last five months. He still had plenty of changing to do, but a lot had happened, and he had wondered if they would notice. If they would ask. Barry couldn't tell you if he wanted them to or not.

 

Turns out, his nerves over coming home had been pointless. It was just the same place, the same people. As he hugged them both, he realized how much he had missed them, and he was happy to be home. He didn't think they had noticed anything, at least not yet, though Joe did give him a funny look when they pulled out of the hug.

 

What he was nervous about now, however, was something entirely different. He was meeting Leonard Snart. Barry was annoyed that he was so nervous about it, it was only his best friend's brother. Except he was her whole family, the closest person Lisa had, and Barry wanted Leonard to like him.

 

 

Barry stopped in front of the address Lisa had given him. They had agreed to meet where Leonard worked, the sign above the door proclaiming, in a stylish font, _The Rogues._

 

As he walked in the door, Barry looked around and was a little surprised at how clean and stylish it was. He hadn't really been in a tattoo shop before, but it looked nothing like in the movies he had seen.

 

The front room was empty, though he could hear the sound of running water nearby . He started looking at the art on the wall, fascinated by some of the designs, and he felt a thrill go through him. Barry had dreamed of getting a tattoo the last few months, after Lisa mentioned what her brother did, and just standing here made the dream feel so much closer. Even though he had no way of actually paying for it yet.

 

 

“Barry!”

 

He turned around at the familiar voice and saw Lisa coming out from the corridor behind the receptions desk. She pulled him into a hug, and he wrapped his arms around her, his nerves calming a little.

 

“Hey, Lisa. Good Christmas?”

 

“Yeah, it was fine. Come on!”

 

She grabbed his hand and pulled him behind her into the corridor she had come from, and to the room at the end.

 

“We're just starting to eat lunch, leftovers from Christmas dinner, there is plenty for you too.”

Barry took in the room as she opened the door. At the far end of the room was a small kitchenette and a refrigerator, with a couple of glasses in the sink. To the left of Barry, the wall ran almost all the way down, stopped only by a door at the far end, next to the kitchen.

 

On the right side, the room was open and spacious. The was a couch along the wall next to him, and a TV in front of it. Between that and the kitchenette was a table, currently filled with bowls and trays of leftover food, as well as three people, all looking at him.

 

There was a woman, slight built, with a friendly smile on her face. Across from her sat a broad-shouldered man with a frown on his face. Next to him was the second guy, slightly leaner than the other, but by no means small, with a smirk on his face. Barry knew this was Leonard only because he had seen a picture of him.

 

“Barry, this is my brother, Leonard,” Lisa pointed to the man, “that is his best friend Mick Rory, and this is their receptionist/trainee Shawna.

 

“Everyone, this is Barry, my best friend. Be nice.”

 

“Hi, everyone.” Barry waved a little, and cleared his voice.

 

“Come on, Barry, sit down.” Lisa pointed him to the chair across from Leonard as she sat down at the end of the table. Lisa showed a few plates at Barry, clearly meaning that he should take some.

The conversation started slowly, and Barry could feel himself tripping over words and answers like he always did when he was nervous. About fifteen minutes in Leonard looked at him with a smirk.

 

“So, Barry, what are your intentions with my sister?”

 

Lisa choked a little on what she was eating, and hit her brother's arm. Barry knew the man was trying to mess with him, knew that Lisa had made it clear they were just best friends. So he took a breath and answered as calmly and flat as he could.

 

“Getting discount tattoos.”

 

Leonard started to chuckle, Lisa laughed, and the two others smirked a little, so Barry counted it as success.

 

As the lunch ended, Leonard and Mick each had a client, whilst Shawna prepared for one she had later. Lisa showed him around a little before they sat down on the bench outside, Lisa telling the story of how her brother had ended up there.

 

“You know our dad was a shit, and he was bringing Lenny down with him. Len was in prison for the third time when he met someone in there. He still hasn't told me the whole thing, but this guy apparently got the story of how Lenny ended up being a criminal. Then he tells him that it is a shitty way to get revenge on our dad. That seeing Lenny in jail is probably a win for that jackass, so a much better way to say 'fuck you' would be to go the completely different way. Getting good at a skill, being proud of something he does rather than something he steals.”

 

She shifted a little on the bench, looking out on the street.

 

“And Lenny listened to him. He has always been good at drawing, and started doing it more while he served the rest of his sentence. When he got out, he contacted some places, and got an apprenticeship with a place in Coastal city. He took me in as fast as he could.”

 

She smiled a little, running her fingers through her hair.

 

“Then a few years ago he found out this place was up for sale. He had put a fair amount of money aside, probably some from his less than legal days, and bought it.”

 

“What about Mick and Shawna? When did they start here?”

 

“Oh, Mick and Lenny have known each other for years, they met in juvie. Mick had been lying low for a while and came back just as Len was finishing up his training period. I was a little nervous that Mick would drag him back into the criminal side again, but it turned out it was the other way around. Mick isn't that good at drawing, but he is fantastic at designing, so this other place took him on. When Lenny bought this place, he quit where he was and came here.

 

“Shawna is actually part of a thing they've been trying out. Lenny wants to get other kids out of the system before they are too deep into it. They did a thing in the juvenile detention facilities where they talked about their pasts, and how it's better to turn around before you can't. They helped out a good handful of people, just helping them getting into schools, finding places to work, to live, things like that. I've been helping them with it a little, they have started to get a system to it.”

 

Barry listened, a little in awe. His admiration for the Snart family, and for Mick, grew even more. To hear about someone having struggled so much, just to turn it around and make the best possible of it was inspiring.

 

“Lenny said he wished he hadn't been in jail the last time so that he could have been able to help me with my issues, but I would never have wanted that. For him to not have that conversation with that one man. No, I would have struggled through a lot more before I would want that to happen. It was and is worth every bit of crap I deal with now for these results.”

 

**

 

Barry snuck into his bedroom, trying to be quiet. He had ended up staying a while at the Rogues, watching as Mick tattooed an extremely intricate design of a gorgeous dragon on the back of a woman, and hanging out with them, sharing a pizza. When Len finally threw them out, it had been 2 in the morning, and Barry stumbled his way home.

 

 

 

He stripped without care, throwing his clothes in the laundry basket, and fell into bed. After a few seconds of trying to relax his body, he groaned a little, reaching for the semi-erection he had been trying to hide half the night. Barry tried his best not to think about the fact that he was going to jerk off to his best friend’s brother.

 

Leonard was a handsome man, it has taken Barry all of three seconds when they met to realize that. It hadn't been until they sat down after closing time, talking, that Barry had gotten some issues. The way Leonard talked, his smile, the things he cared about, that nice guy with a tough exterior... it was Barry's type all over. The other man had stretched and showed teases of tattoos by his waistband, and Barry was suddenly glad he was wearing a longer sweater, hiding the evidence.

 

Just the thought of the man made his semi fully erect, and he sped up, trying not to make too loud noises that could be heard through the walls. With a deep groan and images of that smirk Barry came with spurts over his hand.

 

After cleaning up, he curled up under his cover, falling asleep with the same man in mind.

 


	5. Iris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am so sorry. This chapter was ready months ago, but I wasn't happy with it and then my life took a 180 and here we are. I couldn't quite figure out the issue, but it's past due that I post it, so here it is.

“Where have you been all break, by the way. I feel like I have barely seen you!”

 

Iris looked at Barry from his bedroom door. He had started packing up his things to go back to school, and she had popped in to talk a little. They had mostly been talking about what they had been up to this last six months, though Barry did leave out one major thing.

 

The fact of the matter was that Barry had been avoiding Iris a little. The first few days after he had gotten home, they had basically lived on take-out and fast food, and Barry had felt himself slide slowly down to that dark hole again. So he had decided to do something about it, and had asked Joe if it would be okay for him to make dinner the next day. His foster dad had just given him the credit card and told him to go nuts, and Barry had bought all the same things he kept at his dorms. Healthy things. The first dinner had not been fun.

 

_ Iris walked into the kitchen, half laughing, Joe trailing behind. “What's this I hear about you making dinner, Barry? Since when do you cook?” _

 

_ Barry's shoulders tensed a little before he forced them to relax. Joe started setting the table, though he was suspiciously silent about the whole thing. _

 

“ _ Since college. My roommate is a bit of a health nut, and he passed the interest on to me, I guess. After days here eating only crap, I need some proper food.” _

 

_ She looked at him in disbelief. “College? Where everyone else lives of ramen and energy drinks, that's where you start eating healthy?” _

 

“ _ Yeah, so what, I feel better when I eat like this.” He could hear the defensiveness in his voice, and he wondered how Iris didn't catch on that something was wrong. _

 

_ The dinner was ready, so Barry started carrying it over to the table. _

 

_ Iris was sitting down when she delivered the unintentional jab. _

“ _ What do you need to eat healthy for anyway, with that metabolism? You can basically eat whatever you want and not gain a pound.” _

 

 

Barry had clenched his jaw and been mostly silent throughout the meal. Iris had talked away, not really catching on that something was wrong, but Barry could see that Joe clearly noticed something.

 

After that, Barry stayed at the Rogue a lot. They had made it pretty clear that he was welcome there, no matter if Lisa was there or not. He would sit there for hours, looking at them working, talking to people or just doing some homework. The people there only knew the 'new' him, the him that was changing, the him that was closer to what he wanted to be, and it was surprisingly freeing to have that.

 

The last ten days, with many long visits and a fantastic New Year's Eve celebration, he had gotten to know the different people at The Rogue. The rough Mickey, who was just as rough in reality, but also had two daughters he would do just about anything for and that he raised on his own. The kind and caring Shawna, who had ended up in juvie when she tried to help her boyfriend, and he let her take the fall.

 

And lastly, Leonard. Len, as he had asked Barry to call him. Every day Barry had spent there, Len had dug deeper and deeper under his skin. The sarcasm mixed with the obvious care he had for his small family, and the way he took in Barry. The two of them had been alone a couple of times, and when Len could, they would talk, about everything.

 

The last time he had been over there, just a couple of hours ago, he had been saying goodbye to them all. Shawna had given him a timid hug, Mickey had grabbed him in a rough 'man-hug', but Len had folded him into a warm and firm embrace. As they had pulled away from each other, Len had handed Barry his phone back, which he hadn't even noticed was missing.

 

“Feel free to call, kid.”

 

The 'kid' always got on Barry's nerves, but the half grin that always came with it made him swallow the complaint.

 

But now he was at home, packing to go back, and Iris had asked him a question. He tried to un-freeze as natural as he could, and answered her.

 

“Oh, I've been hanging out with Lisa.”

 

Iris took the few steps to his bed and sank down on the end. “Ohh, Lisa...?” She wiggled her eyebrows, and he scoffed at her.

 

“No, not like that. We're just friends.” Barry wondered if he should say the next part or not, but he had always been able to talk with Iris about that stuff, and he still wanted to. “Her brother, though...”

 

Iris gave a little scandalous laugh, and the next half hour was spent talking about everything Len related.

 

**

 

Coming back to school, to therapy and to his new habits was almost like lowering his shoulders. It made Barry nervous to think that he would never be as comfortable at home as he was at school, thinking about life when school was done. He had brought it up with Dr. Levi.

 

“You have to remember that you have had a lot of time here, to build your routines and to get comfortable with them. You can be just as relaxed anywhere you want, you just have to carve out your own place. If you are planning on someday moving back to Central City, I would perhaps be careful about moving in with or close to your family. It can often make it harder to break from old habits when we get back into that same place again. In a way, you need to disassociate yourself with the version of yourself and your family that you now have, and build a new relationship with them from where you want to be as an adult. Joe will always be you dad, as will Henry, but you are not a child anymore, and you need to cut off that thought. Try, instead, to build a relationship as a grown man with them. That will let you still take their comfort, as a son would, but also let you be your own man.”

 

 

 


	6. Bad Day

The second Barry woke up, he knew it was going to be a Bad Day. He could feel it in the heavy stone in his stomach, in the numb feeling of his body. He held his eyes closed as the nausea climbed up his throat and he tried to ignore the sudden need to gag.

 

Barry knew there would be bad days. He had had several of them already, and they had talked a lot about it during the group sessions. There was, however, a difference between bad days and Bad Days. The first one was days when you had to pull yourself together to manage to get through the day. Days where you sometime managed it and sometimes not.

 

On Bad Days, however, you knew there was no getting through it. They brought bad thoughts, often crying, and the few he had had so far, he had mostly spent in his room with Lisa.

 

The thing about bad days was that before you started getting better, most days were bad, and the good days were the rare ones. But once you started getting better, the bad days started standing out more and more. And the Bad Days... well, to Barry at least, they were easy to spot and hard to get through.

 

Meg, one of their friends from group therapy, had vented a little during a meeting when they had talked about bad days.

 

“ _I hate having bad days. The worst is when it's actually my anxiety having a bad day, but it drags the eating disorder along and it just becomes this mess. But, the thing is, I don't really hate it because it makes me 'break my streak'. I hate it because other people always have to comment on it. It's perfectly okay for a mentally healthy person to have a bad day, no one comments on that, yet when I have a bad day, in three months of good ones, it's suddenly A BIG DEAL.”_

 

_Meg gesticulated when she talked, like always._

 

“ _I had a bad day the other day. Not a Bad Day, no sadness or despair, just a numb feeling and my brain begging for certain kinds of food. And I know that struggling against that craving on days like that are useless, so instead I try and take a little control, and try to swim with the current instead of sinking. So, anyways, I had gotten some of those fat-free chips and a small chocolate, and was feeling pretty good about managing to keep that much in control. Then my roommate sees me with it and she goes 'I thought you were trying to lose weight, you know those aren't good for you? I almost started crying then and there.'”_

 

_They could clearly see the frustration building up in the girl, as her eyes grew shiny with tears._

 

“ _And my parents, they do the same. Every time I eat something less than healthy at home, I get these looks, the same looks they've been giving me all my life; 'are you sure you should eat that?' I just want to be able to have a bad day without anyone making a big deal out of it!”_

  


Barry hadn't quite understood what she meant, though some of the others in the group nodded along. Now however, he did. Because for the first time, he was at home in Central City during a Bad Day. No one was supposed to be home during the day, so that wasn't a problem. The issue was that since he had started focusing on eating healthy dinners now, Joe and Iris would notice if he suddenly didn't want any. They would notice, and Iris would nag him, and Joe would look concerned, and Barry just couldn't handle that today.

 

He got up, hurried through his morning routine and packed a small bag; he wanted to be able to stay out if needed. Just because he was in Central City didn't mean he had to get through the day without Lisa, so he headed over to the tattoo studio, breathing evenly to keep the nausea at bay.

 

Len was at the counter and looked up with a crooked smile when Barry walked in the door.

 

“Hey kid. You going somewhere?” He cast his eyes to the bag in Barry's hand.

 

“Uhm, not really. Is Lisa here?” Barry did his best to keep his voice even.

 

“No, it's a quiet day, so she took Shawna for a 'girls day out'.”

 

Barry could feel his heart rate increasing, and he immediately recognized the signs of an anxiety attack. He had been prone to them after his mother died, and they still happened from time to time. He closed his eyes and tried to take control of his breathing.

 

“Barry, you okay?”

 

Len had moved as Barry's eyes were closed, and they sprang open in surprise at the sudden closeness of the other man.

 

Barry took a few seconds, trying to come up with an answer, but in the end just shook his head.

 

Warm arms drew him into a hug, and before he quite knew what he was doing, Barry leaned into the warmth of Len's body.

 

By the time Barry's heart rate had slowed down again and he felt calmer, the hug had gone on much longer than it probably should have, but as Len hadn't let go, Barry refused to care. He withdrew from the warm embrace and let out a sigh.

 

“Sorry. It's just a rough day, and I haven't been on my own for one since I started this whole process.” Barry couldn't quite meet Len's eyes, and kept his head down, looking at his fidgeting hands.

 

Knowing that Len already knew about his issues, at least the broad strokes, was surprisingly freeing. He didn't have to explain or go into every detail about what he was going through, yet Len still knew enough to understand. Lisa had apologized to him when she realized she had basically outed him to her brother, but Barry didn't care. Len knew, and didn't seem to treat him any different for it, and that was all Barry wanted.

 

“Anything I can do to help, kid? Feel free to hang out here, I have a few customers, but as I said, it's a quiet day. We can talk while I sketch, if you want to.”

 

Barry nodded and gave the older man a weak smile.

 

At first, time moved very slowly, but as they talked, Barry could feel himself relax more and more. He still felt like crap, but having someone else to be with helped. It was hard to explain, but Lisa had once said that being with someone she trusted distracted her from herself. Distracted her from what was going on with her body.

When Barry had realized he was doing the same, he had been unsure if it was actually okay to do that. Dr. Levi had talked about facing your problems and not hiding behind it. But when he mentioned it to her, she lifted his worries.

 

“ _You don't have to constantly work on your problems. Having days where you simply lighten the load by distracting yourself is perfectly okay. And then you can work on your issues on the good days. Just make sure what you are using as a distraction is not the same tools you used before. Don't turn to food or lengthy sessions in the gym. Turn to friends and family.”_

 

The day slowly turned to night, and suddenly the last customer left, Len closed the shop, and they sat down to eat dinner. The girls hadn’t come back yet, but Len and Barry grabbed some leftovers from the day before and conked out in Len’s apartment over the studio. Barry even managed to eat a little.

 

“You doing better, kid?” Len had avoided the subject of why Barry was there in the first place the whole day, but he seemed to have decided that now was the time to bring it up.

 

Barry nodded as he answered. “Yeah, I am. There are just a few days here are there that are really Bad, and the only thing I can really do is be with the right people. People who know, you know. It’s helped a lot, by the way. Just being here, talking and everything. Thanks.”

Barry’s eyes flickered a little as he didn’t quite dare to meet Len’s eyes.

 

“Your family don’t know?” Len looked at him curiously.

 

“No.” Barry shook his head. “Or, wait, yes, my dad knows, but not Joe and Iris. I just haven’t been able to tell them, I don’t know…”

 

Len hesitated a little before he spoke up again. “Can I… Can I ask you about your dad? I mean, you live with Joe and Iris, I know that, but you’ve only really mentioned your dad in passing, and the whole situation…”

 

“Oh!”  Barry sat up, surprised. “I thought you knew, I guess I’m just used to everyone knowing. It’s kind of a long story, but I don’t mind telling you.”

 

As he talked about his dad, Barry could barely keep the tears at bay. It was a story he had told many times, but it had been a few years since the last time. With his emotions already in turmoil, the tears wasn’t a surprise.

 

“... and that’s the story.” Barry’s voice was thick and heavy with tears.

 

There was a few moments of silence where Len looked down and drew a hand over his head. Just a Barry was about to open his mouth again, the other man started to talk.

 

“I was in juvie the first time when I was 14. I’m not gonna go into what sent me there, but that’s where I met Mick. We hit it off, and he protected me a couple of times while I was there. I was locked up again when I was 17, and then when I was 21, I was sent to jail for the first time. Iron Heights. My dad was already in there, and more than anything, I hated the smug smile on his face when he saw me there.”

 

Barry could see Len tensing up, and he wanted to reach out, lay a hand on his shoulder, but it felt too intimate.

 

“So I decided that to beat him, I would have to be better, be _the best_ at what I did so I wouldn't get caught. I started making connections, starting gathering people around me who could help me achieve that.

 

“Then one day, I’m sitting out in the courtyard, and this guy sits next to me. He was one of the quiet people, who generally kept his head down. So I was a little surprised when he started talking to me. It wasn’t anything particular, we were just talking, and we continued to do so for several weeks. One day he asks me ‘Why do you do it?’”

 

Len laughed softly to himself and shook his head, still keeping his eyes away from Barry’s.

 

“I remember looking at him and wondering why he wanted to know, what he thought he could get from me by knowing. I couldn't figure out his angle and decided to be honest. So I told him ‘to wipe the grin of that smug piece of shit who contributed to my gene pool.’”

 

A sudden harshness laced Len’s voice, and his face became an ugly grimace.

 

“I remember I pointed to my dad, everyone knew who he was in Iron Heights. He was Snart. The man stayed silent for a while, looking over at where my dad was gathered with his cronies. Then he turned to me and said: ‘Wouldn’t a much better way be to never have a reason to be here again? To do something else with your life than what he has done?’”

 

As Len spoke, the harshness left his voice, and his face turned softer, almost in wonder. Then he suddenly looked up and caught Barry’s eyes.

 

“Those are the words that saved my life. If it hadn’t been for that man, I never would have gotten out of that life, and who knows where I would have been now. I owe him my life, Lisa’s life and  most likely Mick’s life.

 

“His name was Henry Allen.”   


	7. Good day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hello, guys! My beta had to withdraw from the project, and thus this chapter is UNBETAD. Any and all mistakes are my own, of course. If any of you would like to help me out with the continued betaing for this story, please let me know.

_“His name was Henry Allen.”_

 

Len looked up at Barry, catching the surprise on his face.

 

“...my dad?” his voice was weak and tapered off at the end.

 

Len swallowed heavily and drew a hand over his shaved head, nodding.

 

“Yeah. I didn’t really make the connection before, plenty of Allens’ out there.”

 

Barry kept his eyes downwards, and Len could feel his stomach starting to knot. He liked Barry, had liked him since Lisa had brought him home, and the more he had gotten to know him, the more it seemed like Barry had always been a part of their lives. When he had realized the connection, Len hadn’t known if he should tell Barry or not, but he didn’t feel like he could hold it back from the younger man.

 

Barry slowly looked up from the floor, his eyes finding Len’s. The growing smile on his face surprised Len, and he knew Barry could see it on his face when his grin grew even more.

 

“You’re not mad?” Len ventured to ask.  

 

**

 

“Mad? No, I’m… I’m really happy actually. I’m so happy that this _crap_ thing that happened to my family, to my dad, actually helped someone.”

 

Barry started moving his hands and shaking his legs, almost like he couldn’t sit still anymore.

 

“You said… you said that him being there, him saying that to you saved your life, Lisa’s life, Mick’s life. And all the people that you are helping through your project, are people who will be helped because my dad was in that position to help you.”

 

He rose up from the chair and started pacing, his hands moving while he talked.

 

“I love that in all the misery that this is, he could actually help someone else, and someone so important to me, and… and neither of us knew. And I know that if he knew how much impact he has had… he would say it’s been worth it.  And who knows how many more people he has helped!”

 

Barry suddenly stopped and walked over to Len, looking down at where the older man was still sitting.

 

“And I just …”

Barry let out a little sigh, and gathered his courage.

 

“I just really want to…”

 

He let his eyes shift between Len’s eyes and mouth, leaning down, trying to give Len a chance to pull away if he wanted. But Len stayed put, his eyes hooded, keeping eye contact with Barry as he leaned in.

 

The first touch of their lips was soft, tentative, but Len leaned in and deepened the kiss. His hands came up to steady Barry, stroking the skin between the beltline and his t-shirt.  Barry had one hand on Len’s shoulder, the other on his neck, and when the kiss grew deeper, his hands slid around the older man’s neck.

 

Len stood up from his chair, keeping his hands where they were, but drawing Barry in, deepening the kiss even more. After a few minutes they both drew away, and Len looked at Barry, his eyes searching. Barry didn’t know what he was looking for.

 

Len cleared his throat. “Is this something that you want, Barry?”

 

Barry started nodding, about to tell Len exactly how much he indeed wanted this, but Len held a finger over his mouth.

 

“I need to be clear here. I am talking about a relationship. I don’t do one-night stands. You are either all in or all out.”

 

He took his finger from Barry’s mouth, looking, Barry thought, a little nervous.

 

“All in, are you kidding? All in.”

 

With a puff of air, almost as a sigh of relief, Len drew Barry in for another kiss.

 

**

Barry looked at himself in the mirror. He was wearing his nicest pair of skinny jeans, a black shirt and a dark green sweater over it. He thought he looked okay, but he knew he wasn’t exactly an expert.

 

He drew his hand over his sweater one last time before he reached for his phone and wallet. Just then Iris walked in the open door of his room.

 

“Wow, looking good. You got a hot date?”

 

Barry blushed and nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Iris looked at him in surprise.

 

“Wait, seriously? With who?”

 

He gave her a small smile, and tried to force his blush down, to no avail.

 

“Len, Lisa’s brother. We, uhm… we kissed yesterday.”  
  


“Barry Allen! Give me all the details!”

 

Iris sat down on his bed with a little bounce.

 

Barry shrugged as he picked up his keys.

 

“We had a pretty serious conversation, some personal stuff, and I just… kissed him.”

 

“You started it? Way to go, Barry! Is he a good kisser?”

 

“Oh yeah, really good. I was… swooning.”

 

He mumbled the last part, and his blush grew again. With an awkward shrug, he cleared his throat.

 

“But I have to go, or I’ll be late.”

 

He started going down the stairs from his room, and could hear Iris behind him as he headed for the front door.

 

“Wow, Barry Allen on time. Never thought I’d see the day. “

 

Barry could feel a slight tightening in his stomach, and he yelled a ‘bye’ as he left the house.  

 

**

The date went well. It went really well. Barry had had some serious butterflies in his stomach before he met up with Len. But then Len greeted him with a kiss, and they sat down to eat and suddenly all his nerves were gone.

After they had eaten, they had walked down to the central city harbor, talking and laughing, and before he knew it, the night was over. Len had followed Barry home, and outside the house kissed him goodbye with a smile. Barry was still grinning when he went to bed.

 

It was now the day after, and Barry knew that Len was currently telling Lisa what was going on. That was making him much more nervous than the date had, and he was slowly walking towards the shop, delaying it as much as he could.

He didn’t have to worry. He turned the corner by the shop, and he could see Lisa standing by the open door, looking in his direction. When she saw him, she started smiling, and quickly walked towards him. When she reached him, before he could utter a word, she threw her arms around his neck in a hug and whispered to him;

 

“I knew it!”

 

Barry let his arms come around her, and at her words, he drew her closer in, the relief coursing through him.

 


	8. Confessions and Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbetad. Warning, heavy chapter coming

The train came to a halt, and Barry walked down the two steps and onto the platform. He was back in Central city, and he had finally decided to tell Iris and Joe about his problems. He didn’t know why he hadn’t told them yet, why it was so hard to do. It almost felt like he was coming out or something. Not that he thought Joe would throw him out, or be disgusted, but that hadn’t happened when he had accidentally come out as bi to them both when he was fifteen. It was the confusion, the ‘how does that work’, and ‘are you really sure?’ that he was nervous about. But he had another support system now, in Lisa and Len, and even Mick, so if things went south, he had somewhere to go. Somewhere to pull back.

And that was just it, wasn’t it? He hadn’t told them yet because he didn’t have anywhere to go, not really. Now he did.

He smiled when he saw Joe waiting for him with the car. He had told his foster father he could take the bus, but the man had insisted. Joe noticed him coming and greeted him with a big smile and a big hug.

“Welcome home, kiddo.”  His deep voice was comfort and childhood and laughter, and Barry could feel some of the nervousness slipping away.

 **

After dinner that day, Barry asked Iris and Joe to join him in the living room. “I have something I need to tell you guys.”

Iris gave him a grin, and he realized she thought he was going to tell them about Len. He shook his head and gave her half a smile back. The confusion grew in her face as Barry sat down across from the father and daughter duo.

“Uhm, this isn’t easy for me, so just... let me talk through and you can ask questions later. When I started Uni, my roommate noticed something about me, and he helped me see someone about it. That someone is a therapist at the school. A few months later, she diagnosed me with an eating disorder.”

Their eyes grew big, and both of them looked like they were going to say something, so Barry cleared his voice and continued onward.

“I’ve been working on it since then, been in therapy as well as group therapy, which is where I met Lisa. That’s what the eating healthy has been about too. It’s easier to control when I keep a healthy diet.

“It’s, uhm. Thing is, eating disorders are just a reaction, it doesn’t really have anything to do with food. The food is just the reaction to a deeper problem. I don’t... I don’t really know what my own is just yet. I’m working on it. But the reason I struggle with it is because I feel like I’m too skinny. I’m too weak and skinny and ...yeah. That’s it. I guess.”

He looked up at his foster family, having kept his eyes on the ground so far.

Joe floundered a little. “Is there... are you...” he took a deep breath and tried again. “Are you okay? Is there anything we can do to help?”

Barry smiled a little carefully. “I’m mostly okay. Like anyone with mental issues, I have bad days, and will probably always have them, but I’m okay. And yes, you can help. Most importantly you can help by not talking about food as a thing with me, no ‘how are you eating’ and ‘you look better’ kind of thing. Same with my body really. It’s an extremely personal illness in many ways, but it can be easy to say the wrong thing.”

Joe stood up and pulled Barry into a hug, holding him tight. “Anything you need, kid.”

Iris just looked at him, her mind working behind her eyes, and Barry could guess what she was thinking about. Comment after comment after comment. Years of comments. Barry had wondered, if that is where it came from originally, but it did him no good to wonder.

As soon as Joe stepped back, Iris rose and dived into the hug. She didn’t so a word, probably scared of saying the wrong thing, but Barry could almost feel the word ‘sorry’ on every outbreath, tattooing itself into his skin. He let out a gust of breath. That could have gone a lot worse.

**

“Well, Barry, I have been going easy on you the last few months, but it’s time for a tough one.” Dr. Levi shifted in her chair as Barry started to grow nervous.

“You remember when you first came to me, and I told you that food doesn’t actually have anything to do with it. That it’s just a symptom?”

Barry nodded. “Yes.”

“And while I have no doubt you understand that, it is something quite different to take it in. Your problems have nothing to do with food, with how you look, with your muscles or anything like that. Nothing.”

Barry shook his head a little. He could feel a part of him trying to run, to get away from what was coming, though he didn’t understand what that was. It felt like he was on the edge of a cliff, and one wrong word would send him careening over.

“When you have a bad day, what do you do? You make sure you eat particularly healthy. You make sure you have a spotter at the gym who can stop you before you take it too far. You have a bad week, and you tell yourself that on Monday, you are going to start counting those calories so that you get enough, and you are going to force yourself to the gym to work out.

“All of that, that’s just coping mechanisms. They’re like anti-depressant. They help you get the amount of control you need before you attack what the real problem is. But at some point, you are going to have to get to the root of the problem. As it is now, you are using food and exercise as a punishment. And food, as complicated as it can be, is just food. There is no bad food or good food. There is a bad or a good way of eating food. But the food itself is only that. Substance.

“What you really need to do is get to the root of the problem.”

There was an itching in his brain, and Barry had the distinct feeling he was hyperventilating.

“So, I’m going to ask you, why do you work out?”

“To build muscle.” Barry could hear himself answering from far away, always as if he was wearing ear-plugs.

“Why do you need to build muscle?”

“To be better.”

“Better than what?”

“Then I was.”

“Why do you need to be better?”

“cause I’m not good enough.”

“Not good enough to what?”

“To save my parents. “

Barry’s head suddenly cleared, and the room was ringing with the abrupt silence. He took a few deep breaths, feeling the words bounce back and forth in his head. _He wasn’t good enough to save his parents._ All this time, he had thought it had to do with living like an orphan with Iris and Joe, of being the one who didn’t fit in, but it didn’t. Not really. It probably hadn’t helped, to be honest, but this. How did he deal what this?

Dr. Levi spoke up again. “It’s a depressing fact that for most of the patients in here with an eating disorder, it comes down to one simple thing. A lack of self-love. I know it might not seem that way to you, but the thought that you, as yourself, aren’t good enough, well, that says it all really.

“You are probably wondering how you can work through this. You can. But what you need to focus on is not being good enough, rather being good with yourself. It’s a long process, and just as it has taken years for you to get to this point, it will probably take you years to get to the next point.

“It might seem impossible now, but I have some tools for you. The most important one is affirmations. You have been telling yourself that you are not good enough for years, and it has created a pattern in your brain. Now it’s time to reverse that and overwrite the pattern with something else. I’m going to give you a list of affirmations I want you to say to yourself, in the mirror, every morning and night. You can also find some on YouTube, there are plenty to pick from there.   

 


End file.
